Tuesday, November 20, 2007


For the last few days I've been wanting to work on Sugar On Snow. Wanting to knit. Wanting to sew. I've been wanting to blog too. But couldn't seem to do any of those things. That place in me that creative endeavors and forms of self expression spring forth from was blocked. I'd swatch for the hat, rip it out. Swatch again, make mindless mistakes, and rip again. Choose a new color, hoping that would make a difference. Started knitting the hat, feeling completely distracted and disconnected from what my hands where doing, misinterpret the (very simple) pattern, and have to rip back again. After hours of effort, this was the extent of my progress:

My mind would wander off on things I wanted to blog about. And though there seemed like there were more words than could fit in my head, I couldn't organize them into anything tangible, anything worthy of others eyes. I was feeling the complete opposite of inspired.
And bubbling not so very far beneath the surface of it all, was the undeniable cause of it all. I was angry. The kind of angry that follows a person around relentlessly, like an unwelcome house guest who never shuts up.
In the last few months, some very stressful things have happened in my life. Some of them hurt. Some of them left me feeling completely disoriented. And some made me more pissed off than I've felt in years. For the purpose of this post, I don't think it's necessary to go into detail about those things. And if I'm being completely honest, I'm not quite sure I'd be comfortable writing about them here. Since this blogs inception, I've struggled with the question of how personal I want it to be. And I still don't know the answer to that. I do know that first and foremost, I want it to be about my knitting, sewing, and craft projects. But I also feel that my personal life and my crafting life are very much intertwined, that each is influenced by, and shows up in the other.
I think sometimes when difficult events happen in our lives, we convince ourselves that we are in fact "dealing" with them, because we manage to carry on with the tasks and responsibilities of life, in spite of it all. But in reality, instead of truly facing the unpleasant emotions, we shut off some part of ourselves in order to cope. What I'm noticing, is that I don't get to pick and choose which emotions I stuff down and ignore, while still having access to freely feel the ones I want to. In order to keep inspiration flowing, I need to pull the stopper out my bottled up emotions. I don't know if everything I've just written makes sense to you. But I know that I feel much better just for having acknowledged these things to myself. Look, I can knit again!


Claire said...

Just foud your blog so Hi! I understand what you mean about how personal you want your blog to be - I have had a pretty rough year, and have deliberately kept that out of my blogging, particularly cos one person I am close to, who I was having the rough time with, reads my blog. I also started my blog as a way of getting my stuff "out there" - dipping my toe into the web so to speak. It hasn't been though til I started blogging that I had moments like yours in your post - where you feel better for thinking about things and giving yourself the space to realise things. It sounds crazy but I have sometimes written a post and not put it on my blog, but the simple process of writing I have always found to help.
Hope that things are better soon. Your photographs are lovely, by the way. Will pop back again soon x

String Theory Blog said...

Hi Steph,
Sorry to hear it's been a rough year. The times I've really known I was reaching the bottom of the pit were the times I'd have the time to knit, or sew, etc., but find myself sitting there idle, thinking "what's the point?"
Hope things look up soon.
Happy Thanksgiving.